Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
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Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
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i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
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