I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
