the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
