Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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