Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
