Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
