oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Did you just see the Batmobile???
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
