I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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