Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
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Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
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I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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