??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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