all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
