I heard we made out
Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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