drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
