He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
