My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
