i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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