The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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