Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
it's not cheating when I paid for it
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
