Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Randomize
