I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
