Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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