Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
