Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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