if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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