Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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