I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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