Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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