he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
