the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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