No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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