that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
