Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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