I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
