He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
