can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
