yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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