1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
