I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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