listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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