My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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