I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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