Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
