if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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