So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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