After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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