i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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