with your own penis?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
