hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
