I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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