she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
