I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
