Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
