Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
