I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
