you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
