Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
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