If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
