get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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