thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
